“Time flies when you are having fun.”

They should modify that to say “Time flies no matter what you are doing.”

My husband and I just celebrated our fourth anniversary. Four years ago, I thought we would be living an upper middle class lifestyle. Cal would be working as a professor of Political Science. I would be a stay at home mom. We would have all of our laundry in the basket, dinner on the table every night, and not a dirty dish to be seen.

Somehow, I have let the last four years slip past me.

Our son will be two this October. Unfortunately, my dreams of staying at home were not feasible.
I had to go back to work four weeks after Ethan was born in order to keep my job. Those four weeks at home were difficult for me. Ethan refused to latch on, so I had to exclusively pump. When you are pumping eight to twelve times a day for thirty minutes at a time, it feels like a full time job. I felt like I was spending most of my time hooked to a machine, while everyone else got to feed my precious baby. Looking back, I was probably suffering from mild postpartum depression.

Just before Ethan turned one, I took a job as a teacher. I went to work before he woke up in the morning. In order to lesson plan, I insisted that he nap for the first couple of hours after I got home from work. This gave me two or three short hours with him in the evening each night.

Right now, I am in the middle of what has been the best summer of my life. We moved to Nashville early in order to spend time getting plugged into the community before Cal starts law school this fall. I am home 24/7 with the two most important men in my life, Cal and Ethan. We have been to the zoo, the library, the park, a flea market, and a farmers market. We have read books, played games, sung songs, and danced around. We have smiled and laughed as a family more in the past month than we have in the last year. I have been stress free and happy. And, I don’t want it to end.

As I search for a teaching position this fall, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I want so desperately to stay at home with Ethan. I want to be the one to watch him grow and develop. I don’t want a daily report card on his potty training progress. I don’t want to guess as to what he is doing all day long. I want to teach him about Christ and the Bible and the alphabet and numbers. I don’t want to outsource mommyhood to some stranger at a daycare.

I have struggled for the past few days over whether this feeling is a God given one or a selfish desire. The Bible instructs us to train our children and it also tells us not to worry about being provided for. But it seems foolish to not work and stay home when I am not sure we could make rent each month.

We have been working on the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt as quickly as possible after law school so that we may buy a house. However, I cannot help but think that my child’s spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth are more important than being able to own instead of rent. Perhaps giving up on my own worldly grasp of financial stability would aid my own spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth.

Regardless of whether I decide to stay at home or work, one lesson I would like to incorporate into my daily life is “Time flies no matter what you are doing.” I want to be very intentional about every second of my time because I can never get those seconds back.